if you’re into sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, read on.
otherwise—you have been warned—this post isn’t PG-rated.
it’s hump day, after all!
to begin? well, where it allllll begins.
“we need to talk.” oh, about your day, baby?! mine was great too!
“this just….isn’t working.” i know, i know. more sex, less arguing? i can totally do that.
“i’m studying abroad next semester.” …..so? i’ll like, skype you or something. no clothes required.
“i just made out with your sorority sister.” babe, it’s fine. forgive and forget iiiiis my motto!
ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?
if you are guilty of ANY of the above break up banter, i’m
probably judging you right now.
i will, however, give you a high-five for conversing face-to-face. whatta concept!
on the contrary. IF you were notified via snapchat
…my god, that’s low. but so efficient?
6 seconds of break-up time GLORY and then POOF!
it disappears into the vortex of every other pointless snapchat.
…f o r e v e r.
ummm, FYI. your ex probably sent it to like, a lot of friends.
regardless, i SWEAR! break ups are trending faster than juice cleanses, crossfit, and the paleo diet. can vegans and cavemen love each other? I DUNNO.
anyway. after you start hyperventilating, your thoughts resemble a self-conscious, irrational teenage girl requesting tampons, chocolate, and a shopping spree:
….seriously? OF ALL TIMES. you’re breaking up with me right now?
FIRST: you selfish idiot,
allow me to make sure i have enough PTO days left this year (which, shocker! i don’t.)
BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF PUTTING ON A NON-SLUTTY SKIRT AND A J CREW SWEATER AND FLATS THAT GIVE ME BLISTERS IS LIKE ASKING ME TO PUT ON A BATHING SUIT AFTER I’VE GONE HAM AT A $4.99 ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET.
i am extremely sensitive. and emotionally fragile.
i WILL send bitchy e-mails without emoticons. watch me!
SECOND: i’m going to have a bon voyage party,
invite your closest friends,
and ask them to tweet and instagram until your newsfeed is cluttered with:
THIRD: organize my funeral.
1. save a horse, ride a
few cowboy s?
2. survive solely on bethenny frankel’s skinny girl cosmos and ben & jerry’s half baked?
and bagel bites?
3. channel your inner-taylor swift and write passive aggressive hate music?
even more effective, shout (with 2-day-old mascara running down your face) taylor’s thought-provoking, mature wisdom:
WEEEEE ARE NEVER, EVERRR, EVERRRR, GETTING BACK TO TOGETHER.
you sound really good! and you look really good! no, really.
on a more serious note,
i get it.
you feel totally betrayed and abandoned and you hate everyone.
and you probably wish you could move on so effortlessly.
because suffering is one of the most painful experiences in life (besides realizing you’re out of bagel bites).
you’re adamant about defining yourself a ‘failure’ because the relationship failed.
but let’s honest, there were probably signs that pointed towards incompatibility. things that simply couldn’t be mended.
preach it, lil wayne.
take ownership of that failure.
allow yourself to be humble. ask for a little support.
when your heart is finally pieced together, you’ll knock it out of the ballpark when it comes to your next relationship(s).
you will find your identity again. your ex didn’t steal it from you, you just became so god damn dependent.
you’ve forgotten who you are.
i promise, that in this grieving process,
you’ll find bliss inside the mess.
break ups are not for the weak. it takes courage and WILL POWER to face your emotions head on.
i just ask one thing.
and keep an open mind.
this is YOUR chance to get it right. go out. have fun. meet all types of people.
(signed, the post-grad.)